You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
They also CAN sing✌️
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.