You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.