You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.