You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles