You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?