“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse