You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Twitter fine art
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am