You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
#MeanwhileInCanada
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer