You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment


Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.


Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.


[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that


A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!


My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.


My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.