You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
You Might Also Like
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Otters see a butterfly.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.