You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’d hang this in my house.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
one of
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Mhm.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?