You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
lol
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.