You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Thursday Thought.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall