You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You Might Also Like
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Something Saturday.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is