You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.