You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
That’s classic.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.