You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…