@BobGolen

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

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@_NTFG_

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@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@sock_holliday

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

@impaulmccoy

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

@clichedout

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me