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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me