You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.


Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir


My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?


[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*


ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please


I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me