You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
You Might Also Like
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
#polloftheday
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Stop sending me this shit.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.