You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.


*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*


When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.


Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.


My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!


*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience


If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.


[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good


My week is basically:
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4


Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.