This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.