You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism


A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.


They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.


doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good


what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom


What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.


Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home