you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*sewing*
A thread
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me