You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?