You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Salad is the decaf of food.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons