You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more