You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Not all heroes wear capes….
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.