You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
me and the Superbowl rn
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
time for some seasonal decor
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters