@dreamthievin Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
@Qwertyings You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
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@dreamthievin 
@minkpinkustink run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
@Elizasoul80 [alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@tpurvis06 If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
@TheCatWhisprer We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
@Fred_Delicious A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
@daemonic3 FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
@fdgrs19 I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
@davejorgenson Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
@okimstillhungry *1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO