You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

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Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s


[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.


If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…


We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.


FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes



I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall


*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO