@brettminor

You learn something every day

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@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

@MadHatterMommy

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

@notalogin

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@funnyordie

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it