I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it