You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Namaste
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.