you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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this could fix me
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done