You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.