You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
So that’s what we looked like?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife