@tuckerflodman *Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
@marinhubka You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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@tuckerflodman 
@jwblvd *gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
@mellimelle You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
@BumbleDC *accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
@iamjohnsarris My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
@TwinSurvivalist [Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
@LackOfShame Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
@AweShadySome Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
@AmishSuperModel According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
@mean_spice Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef