You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
lmfao
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.