“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.