“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!