You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*