You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Check your privilege
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)