@fatherofcomedy

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

@detroit_et

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

@DimpleThakkar

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

@Rollinintheseat

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

@Fickle_Filly

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus