‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.


DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.


Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend


Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.


*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”


“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.


no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct


DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it


I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*



“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus