There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus