You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower