You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
this is what they would have looked like, though
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Yup….perfect score!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Bit chilly again tonight.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.