detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*Adorns new baby with:
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*
They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.