You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”