You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
7: Empire Strikes Back?
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque
[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break