You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.