“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.