You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The biggest mystery of our time
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.