You make a compelling argument, Morty.
You Might Also Like
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
12653.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm