You make me want to be a better home and garden.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.