You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?