You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Don’t we all.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Need WebMD
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.