You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs